Los Angeles Plus Model/Actress/Improv Geek/Feminist/Burrito Princess
Things I am proud of:
No cigarettes since April
My commitment to caring for my skin
Eating most of my meals at home
Making good choices at the grocery store
Not buying any clothes yesterday when I went shopping with a girlfriend
Seeking help from healthcare professionals
Upping my sunscreen use
Not staying out late at every opportunity.
Making a big adult purchase (washer and dryer)
Thinking positive thoughts
Signing up for a new class
Really realizing that I come first.
It’s been a bit over a week of me really caring about what my habits are. I want to make it to at least a month. When I got my breast reduction, my doctor and I spoke about why I was doing it. I have always felt hindered by my breasts when I wanted to be more athletic. Running has been more than a challenge most of my life. I told him about my weight loss journey that started in college (I began at 265 pounds on a scale but know I lost weight before I ever attempted to stand on one) and definitely kept the journey going since moving to Los Angeles.
Last spring I got involved with a new group of friends and had a crush on a man who I spent a great deal of time with. All of my friends are comedians and they definitely live the lifestyle—late nights, quick bites, beers before, after and during shows. I wouldn’t trade the memories, but I am sad that I lost sight of my personal goals. Before I dedicated all of my life to my social life, I was getting muscular and toned. I started doing light jogging on hiking trails (wearing two bras and a sports bra!) and ate things like almonds as snacks. Then I made my social life my priority and I smoked a lot of weed and ate sandwiches stacked with mozzarella sticks, fries, chicken strips and barbecue (no I’m not kidding, this is a sandwich and I ate it twice a week). And if I am honest with myself, I lost track of myself because I always wanted to be around this guy. And as I realized I had feelings for him, my bad self esteem covered up any confidence I had when we were buddies. I started acting WEIRD. And distant. But at the same time I always wanted to be in the same vicinity as him. Partly because we have shared interests but also because I liked him so much. It pains me to say that nothing came of this. If anything, I feel like our friendship grew strained and the impact of my shifting attitude probably made him find it very difficult to be in my company.
I feel that I developed bad habits from being a social butterfly, but worse ones as I felt like I had damaged my social sphere. Ate too much. Drank too much. Spent too much time alone in my bedroom doing NOTHING. Declined invitations from well meaning friends who wanted me to focus on the networking aspect of an acting career, but I often felt too fatigued or sad to leave my home.
I am attempting to be patient with myself and realize that my happiness will NOT come from fixing an error I made before but rather making sure I do not repeat my follies in future.
I am making distinct goals for what I want for MYSELF. Not what I want to be so that another person will like me. And the honest truth of all of this is, when I met these people, I was my best self. I was working out and energetic. I was eating things that made me feel good. I was getting people involved in fun projects. I had things going on. I was an exciting, motivated woman. And when I felt like I wasn’t worthy of the affection/attention of another person, I blew out my own light and gave way to a huge piece of darkness.
And today here I am, looking for balance. Finding it in small ways, looking for it in impactful ones. I am finding my light again and I am stoking the fire to make it brighter.
Just a little honesty.
right: 185-190 (haven’t weighed myself recently)
I’m in so much shock right now. I don’t understand how I still feel like I look like the picture on the left, but I always do until I put together a before and after picture. The only advice I have is to get active. Eat if you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. And lift some heavy shit (free weights). You can do it.